


I've been counting to ten, over something you've said

by skyearth2512



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, M/M, Pining, inspired by actual events, renle ends up going to wayv, slightly ooc but i like the drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:53:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24459268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyearth2512/pseuds/skyearth2512
Summary: Where Chenle and Jisung have their first ever fight
Relationships: Park Jisung & Zhong Chen Le, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	1. Did I build you a prison? Please dont let me go

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the grammar or spelling mistakes! To be very honest, I actually think Js n Cl have a wonderful amicable and happy relationship but...drama is always more exciting right?

Jisung stares at the scene before him

Its the night before Renjun and Chenle leaves for Wayv. Chenle is at the dorm with the dreamies. It feels surreal seeing them laughing and playing with no care in the world when the truth is they all know they might not see each other for weeks on end. Jisung knew Renjun would still be around when he is back in Seoul but Chenle doesn’t live in the dorm. Even before, Jisung never felt he saw Chenle enough. He would cherish every broadcast or practice knowing they were times he could catch a glimpse of Chenle. But this time around, he knows that the next time he is thinking of eating malatang or ramen....he can’t stretch his arm and reach Chenle anymore.

There was a lot of laughter and jokes though eventually the air was thick with tomorrow's outcome. Everyone knew it wasn’t a final goodbye...not like how irrevocable it felt when Mark left. Nonetheless, Jisung wished they could at least have an event to process all these feelings. Now its just cheap takeout and beer, while Jisung tries his best to memorize the smiling faces in front him. 

_Let me photograph you in this light_

_In case it is the last time_

_That we might be exactly like we were_

as the last laughter dies down, nobody dared to look at the clock. Everyone knew it was way too late but they thought if no one said anything maybe this night would never end. Eventually, their manager gives a quick reminder of their flight time and how it's time to stop the party. Chenle had to leave to get back home but renjun held his shoulder. Jaemin held Jisung too and gave him a nod. They both knew what that meant...they needed to talk. It was awkward but under the silence and stern eyes of the hyungs, they went into chenle’s extra room in the dorm. The new big dorm for all the new members that would soon join.

It's been a few weeks and Chenle hasn’t really spoken with Jisung. He leaves whenever the dream schedules are done and rarely meets up with Jisung even though they were practicing in the office on different floors. He’s only there when other dreamies are around and even then they don’t sit next to each other. Jisung didn’t know what he did wrong or how it became like this, they had the best time for the comeback where Jisung was determined to be honest and open about his feelings ... He knew it was always met with some kind of rejection but Jisung thought it was just for fun. Like the way they joked around all the time, but somehow this rejection had translated off screen. Chenle seemed to be mad.

Jisung knew it was wrong to like chenle and he knew he changed the dynamic of their friendship but at some point he just couldn’t help it. Couldn't help the jealousy he felt when others got too close or the desire to just want him as his own, but more than that, he didn’t want to deny the joy of being able to care for someone as deeply as he did for Chenle.

'so this is awkward… ' chenle says

'yea.. ' is the only thing jisung responds

'listen…you’re going to do amazing. just stay confident and you’ll be a shining star. and now that you’re no longer the maknae anymore, start to take cares of others ok. you’re already a good caretaker so you’ll be fine..good luck ' and chenle starts moving toward the door

but jisung stops him 'wait. stop- ' jisung hopes that by saying those words time would stand still. 'we’ll….still stay best friends correct? ' jisung asks

and chenle with a flash of anger in his eye responds 'yea if this is what u call best friend sure' and again he starts to move

'wait wait wait. stop. what do you mean? ' jisung asks visibly hurt 'what do u mean? '

'do u really consider us best friends? i’ve always wanted to ask u that. or is this just something for the cameras'

'how can you say that. you’re my best friend. you’re my first friend. you’re…you’re the most precious thing in my life. ' jisung croaks, as he feels himself choking back the lump in his throat 

'really? then how come u do all these things without me. you do vlives without me, u do dance practices without me and you don’t even bother asking. since a long time ago i've said that you’re not a good texter and from then on... i’ve already given up. in front of the cameras you act like we’re the closest thing but sometimes i can’t even get you to respond to a simple text to hang??! you act sad whenever i go out without you but its not like u ever ask me when u do those things with jaemin or Renjun hyung. U went biking, escape room, movies, shopping…all those things and it never crosses your mind to wonder if i would want to go? If that’s what u call a best friend, then i don’t really want to be one…'

Jisung stops in shock. he has never heard chenle speak so much before. and he didn’t know he felt that way at all, he admitted he was a bit pampered by chenle who would always video call him first and text him to go have a meal that he never thought to ask. and anyway most of the time it was never his idea to do those things anyway so he just tagged along. Each time he always wished chenle was there but why…why didn’t he just reached out?

'im…sorry. i didn’t know. most of the times i don’t even plan these things i just go along so..i…just yea..'

'no, i figured. i mean im just there when its convenient for u huh. even the last vlive, did u only remember me because u were on screen and people were asking. i don’t need that kind of friendship, u know i don’t do things for the camera'

'what are u talking about, u were the one who left first?'

'well i wouldn’t have left if u had told me about it!' chenle shouts

'but u didn’t even wait for us. u never do anymore…' jisung cries and continues 'i…i don’t even know what we mean to you anymore. like sometimes i just feel you don’t want to be around me. at every broadcast u choose anyone but me, i tell u i want to be on the island with u n u choose to go with everyone, u don’t want to take me on a car ride first even though i wanted you to, i wrote a freaking poem about us for gods sake and even then you weren’t sure if you were going to choose me over haechan hyung??? i call u my best friend, u call me tall. i mean..how do u think i feel? like for me...i don’t even know if u like me as a friend at all…and..and…'

_whether my feelings for u is the reason you’re doing all of that,_ jisung shouts in his head but can’t get it out of his mouth

chenle voice softens n he says '…u know thats just for show. its weird cause sometimes the way u say things it almost feels like…'

chenle trails

'like what? jisung asks

'idk. i feel like if i acknowledged it on camera, it would just make things awkward. besides. i often wonder if u are doing it just for the cameras or the fan service, you’re always so mindful of these things and i didn’t want to be just a tool for you..'

'what are u talking about? every single time i was sincere about my thoughts and my feelings. you’re…you’re the one that i have no idea what you’re thinking at all and it's exhausting. you’re always angry at me for the smallest thing and i try my best not to say anything because i don’t want us to fight…but it never pleases you anyway!' jisung shouts.

its the first time he had shouted at chenle.

ah…so they’re having their very first fight. jisung thought that they would never fight for as long as their friendship would last. Why does it feel like his heart was tearing apart.

chenle looks and stares. jisung stares back

'you’re right….' chenle says. 'it is exhausting isn’t it? its a good thing im leaving then.'

and then there was silence.

_it wasn’t meant to be like this_ jisung thought. he thought perhaps tonight, tonight would be the night he would finally confessed. Or at least he imagined they'd have a talk and go back to how they were before . he didn’t know he hurt chenle and he wondered why he didn’t treat him better, but he also wondered whether he was ever really that important to chenle. _how could he just walk alway like that._

he knew that as it were, this was the end. of chenji as they've always known it…. a glimpse of the future flashed by

*

It's 4 months later and Chenle is back from china. Chenle acts as though they've never had this fight.

'ya, park jisung how’ve you been.'

but Jisung knows it's just for lip service. there was radio silence since Chenle went to china and the only way Jisung knows whats happening is through stalking his weibo updates and the occasional videos from Renjun in their group chat. They would practice and they would interview together, then talk about games and sport during the idle times. Jisung stopped liking all those things a long time ago. He had only continued them to have something to talk about with Chenle.

They’re nice, and friendly over camera. They’re still put together because they have their fanbase but Jisung doesn’t choose Chenle anymore and Chenle doesn’t whisper things to Jisung in private. When it's all said and done, Chenle goes back to his house, eats with wayv or occasionally joins whenever mark or haechan or all the dreamies are there. Everything that they were...all that soulmate talk, thread of fate, countless inside jokes…just....vanished. Even Chenji's this and that, the company decided to kill it one day without really giving them that final episode to say goodbye.

_How did it come to this?_ Jisung thought. _how did we share those glorious years and i got to feel so happy spending my days knowing this bright sunlight that brought me out of my darkest place. This was the guy that wanted me to be happy always and that i would do anything for…how…how did it become like this..._

*

no..no…no i refuse… and jisung lunges out and grabs chenle into his embrace and holds him tight.

Chenle is stunned and stays still.

Jisung knew that even if Chenle had tried to escape he wouldn’t let him go

'ya…park jisung ' chenle said

'chenle. chenle........don’t leave' and Jisung is sobbing, he knows he can’t stop himself from breaking down anymore.

'ya…hey look we aren’t disbanded. i’ll be back. and im sorry for saying those things ok, of course we’ll still stay friends...ya...' chenle struggles a little but jisung doesn’t let go. Through deep heaves and tears, jisung bawls

'im sorry…im sorry for everything'

Chenle in shock just pats his head and again goes 'nono its not your faullt. ya. don’t be dramatic i know im to blame here as well, don’t be sorry for all that stuff, its water under the bridge now' 

'no..chenle not just those things. im sorry…but i can’t be a good friend to you'

and jisung raises his head and stares at chenle

'because i love you.'

'i've loved you for a long time, and i think you might know it too. im sorry that my feelings might have been suffocating you and im sorry that it changed what we used to have. that it made you feel awkward, that i’ve been pushing it onto you. im sorry that it made me scared to reach out because i felt you might have said no and i didn’t want to feel rejected. im sorry that i don’t respond to you sometimes because im jealous that you’re hanging out with someone other than me so i felt like punishing you. all the things i do isn’t what a good friend would do….because....im in love with you'

and then jisung just drops to the floor and cries. uncontrollable, taking in uneven breaths and heavy heaves as he sits on the floor. He thought he would feel better letting chenle know his feelings but it only made him realize how he hurt his friend and how it pushed chenle away. What stopped him before was the fear of having to face the end of all his daydreams. Dreams of kissing under the sky full of stars, of secret dates walking along han river, of stowing away to a different country and watching the breathtaking scenery together and the warmth of each other's arms in the cold bitter winter. All of what they were before…it’ll never be the same again. All because he chose to fall in love with this beautiful boy and that high pitch laughter.

Jisung felt an arm wrap around him and a hand stroking his hair. It was the comforting touch that had always been able to lull him out of his moods. The feeling of Chenle’s embrace that he had sorely missed. He soaks in the smell of chenle’s soft detergent as he tries to record everything that’s happening right now. _For the last time,_ he thinks and he stops crying momentarily in Chenle’s arms, but then he starts remembering that Chenle will be gone tomorrow and the waterworks starts up again

'hey jisung. im sorry too.'

'im sorry that i lashed out on you like that. if i really have to think about it…it probably wasn’t anything you did. The truth is I've probably been taking out my frustrations on you . i think i was jealous every time u did something with jaemin hyung or the fact that u still stayed in his room. and u would make my heart skip a beat everytime you say one of those things on broadcasts that i have to ask myself was it even real. then the next moment you go and do something infuriating that i wonder if im just imagining all these things up.

i think i was afraid of getting hurt but i prob also kept placing unattainable expectations on you…i think i was spoilt by the way that you treated me. that sometimes i...i selfishly wanted all that kindness that you have...just for me. '

Jisung paused. is he really hearing what he thinks he's hearing. He stops crying and looksCchenle in the eyes and ask 'what….what does that mean. '

Chenle sighs and he bites his lip. Jisung could see Chenle's eyes shifting as he thought about whether to continue this conversation or not.

'i think…. i think i might like you too.'

Jisung eyes widened in disbelief

'i think i was afraid to acknowledge this fact to myself. we are group mates for god sake. if i admitted this to myself and we ended up together and then we broke up…what then. how would this affect the team and what would the company say? its not that simple and....you know me...i dont like to worry..Plus I don’t even know if i like guys. i don’t know....all these feelings are confusing…. but then when i think about it. why do i get so upset at you over the littlest thing. and why does my mood get so bad every time you do something with another hyung. to be honest, i bring up mark hyung or haechan hyung knowing that you would have a reaction. if im being really honest to myself..its probably not just something u feel for a friend....and for that i’ve not been a good friend either...n im sorry.'

Jisung can’t believe his ears. is this really true? does chenle really like him too? he felt like he was on the viking ride again, where those intense high and lows brought his heart into his mouth.

they look at each for awhile and Chenle looks down, face visibly red from the conversation

Without thinking too much Jisung lunges forward and presses his lips against Chenle. Chenle eyes flies open but he doesn’t move. eventually the lids come down and they exchange the softest of kiss.

When they both opened their eyes, jisung says

'you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this. '

chenle laughs n replies

'and you don’t know how long i’ve been trying to avoid it …

but….

it doesn’t feel too bad'

and then they kiss again.

—

eventually the manager knocks on their door and chenle looks down at his watch and yells 'shit i really have to go now' and runs off

'call me tomorrow 'chenle mouths and then he leaves.

Jisung is left stun in the room. He wondered if everything had just happened or he had imagined it all along. The room is the same as it was before and there's no trace that Chenle was ever here. but then he remembers the taste of Chenle's lips. Like a mix of ramyeon - Jisung's favorite scent - and the sweet taste of fruits - that Chenle loved - 

the rest of the night was a blur and Jisung just lies in his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

He probably wouldn’t sleep a wink tonight.

He knows it was late but he sends a text to Chenle anyway

— goodnight my first…and last love —


	2. Epilogue

'ok i really have to go now' Chenle says

'alright alright….goodnight.

wo ai ni'

Jisung says

'Araso….......same' cl replies. and he hangs up

Jisung smiles. It has been 2 months since Chenle went to china and the last time they had their first kiss. He thought it would be hard not getting to see Chenle as often but it hasn’t been so bad. He watches videos that fans post of him and he’s glad that he’s laughing more and Jisung can see how comfortable Chenle is when making jokes in his language. He doesn't fully understand what they're saying all the time but he feels the same comforting warmth every time he hears Chenle's laughs. Though to be fair, he still gets that little twang whenever he sees Chenle hanging onto one of the members. But...its nothing he hasn’t felt before when they were in Dream...

At least this time he know that Chenle is his. 

Besides, Jisung finds refuge in thinking out all these date ideas they would do once Chenle comes back. Jisung makes sure to message Chenle every time a new one pops up in his head. 

As he stares at the last video of Chenle, he smiles knowing that that shining boy standing on stage in all his glories was now truly his...his first friend, his best friend, his love…all that he ever wanted since he first wondered through those lonely days whether life had anything kind installed for him. He was glad he waited and he was glad he was patient, because life decided to give him more than what he asked for. 

It gave him his very own angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! That's it! Do let me know how I can improve....I have more ideas for chenji and i think the next time it'll be fluffier hehe.


End file.
